The Quiet Deal We Make

Shrinking so that others don’t feel insecure around us. Sometimes we hold onto low self worth because it keeps us to able to maintain certain roles in relationships. Not consciously, but as a quiet, ongoing deal. I’ll stay small so you won’t feel uncomfortable. Not that anyone is forcing us to be this way, it’s almost a society wide deal - let’s not make others feel insecure or jealous or threatened by shining too brightly. It’s endemic in our culture particularly in Scotland.

It’s not that anyone asked us outright. It’s just how it’s always been. A rhythm that was put in place early on, it can feel like part of who we are. Except it’s not comfortable to dim down, bend, make ourselves just unimportant, apologise so often. And without ever saying it, we know that stepping fully into our own self-worth and confidence isn’t just about us, it can be about what it might disrupt. Would they still like me? What if they think I’m boastful or arrogant? What if I’m rejected if I step into my confidence?

What happens when we stop making ourselves small? When we stop carrying the weight of other people’s comfort at the expense of our own? When we stop apologising for existing?

Sometimes, things shift beautifully. People rise with us. We give them permission by allowing our own confidence to be expressed. Or we meet new people who can meet us where we are. Sometimes we find current relationships become uncomfortable and friends or family may even try and coax us back to the version they knew. Or they may even reject you, or you may find you have outgrown them and naturally want to spend less time around them. And that’s the part we fear—that if we stand fully in who we are, something may fall away.

But maybe that’s exactly what needs to happen. Maybe the real risk isn’t in letting go of what can’t grow with us, but spending a whole life in the quiet agony playing a part we were never meant to play, of playing small, hiding or apologising for our very existence.

Real self-worth isn’t just about how we feel inside. It’s about letting ourselves show up authentically without keeping one foot out of the light just to satisfy our imagined fears of what change might bring even if it’s exactly the change we need.

susan@holisticpsychotherapy.co.uk